By Tim Metzler
Because I’m Tim Metzler and you are not, I’ve decided that you and the rest of Viterbo’s males need a lesson in chivalrous living. If you really are a man and not just a boy, you will follow my five basic laws of manliness this Valentine’s Day and every day. Additionally, it is important to note that manliness has nothing to do with your body; it has everything to do with your state of mind.
Tim’s Five Basic
Laws of Manliness
1. Always open the door for any female, regardless if you know her or not. You don’t have to date every female you do this for, you just have to do it. There are no exceptions to this rule so just do it already.
2. Ben Franklin once wrote, “drink not to elevation.” The moral here is that you shouldn’t drink so much that you lose control of your body. A true man is always in control of himself in every situation. If you can’t do this then maybe you should rethink why you’re drinking in the first place.
3. Don’t be vulgar around a woman. Instead, seek to compliment her on either her outfit, attitude or daily accomplishments every time you speak with her.
4. Smile and politely greet every person you pass by or meet. Male or female.
5. You’re not funny. I’m funny, but you really are not. You can be nice, though, so just concentrate on that and the attention of your female counterparts will follow.
Apart from the lack of chivalry on this campus, it has also occurred to me that Viterbo males lack brains. Thus, the following list of five includes points of inspiration for what you might wish to give your valentine on February 14. If you have any questions about the following then you’re hopeless.
Tim’s Top Five Valentine’s
Day Gifts to Give
1. Chocolate. This should always be given with something else. Never give just chocolate, but always give chocolate.
2. Something handmade. For example, make a Valentine’s Day card, don’t buy one. This gesture of making something by hand is known in the female community as cute.
3. Flowers. This is where things get tricky. Before giving a woman flowers, make sure you know what the flowers mean in a symbolic way. For example, red tulips signify a declaration of love, but acacias represent friendship. A mistake with what flowers you give a woman can be disastrous.
4. Write her a poem. If you’re no good at writing poems, then borrow from William Shakespeare. Using his sonnets in your Valentine’s Day gifts makes you look cultured. I suggest Sonnet 18, 20, 24 or 40. Sonnet 40 is my personal favorite.
5. Beware the teddy bear. There’s an unspoken rule about giving stuffed animals, but now it’s a written rule. You can only give a woman a stuffed animal one time. That’s right—the stuffed animal is a one-time use only. Giving one every year makes you look boring.
In conclusion, the second best thing you can do is just be yourself. The first best thing would have been being me, but that’s not possible. Regardless, good luck this Valentine’s Day!